I’m pretty horny for anything vinegar-y tasting, so it should come as no surprise that I fucking love Balsamic Vinegar. It is the Lord God over all other vinegars; it is a dark, sexy beast. Did you see there how I capitalized it? Yeah, that’s right. Balsamic Vinegar gets capitalized, much like Your Highness or Vagina.

Unnnggghhhhnnnnnhhhh

I discovered my love of Balsamic as a means of using it as a dipping sauce. It has made me consider bread (and a lot of other things) as simply a vehicle with which to deliver the sweet nectar. Balsamic is as diverse as fine wine, and the range in price reflects that. I haven’t gone above $25 for a bottle, but I’ll be goddammed if I don’t fantasize about drizzing $400 Balsamic into a dude’s navel and slurping it out.

So… how much do I love it?

- I go through about a bottle a month.

- I carry a little bottle of Balsamic Vinegar in my purse.

- I scan restaurant menus and am able to pick it out, much like finding the words “nipple” and “throbbing” when flipping through the pages of a romance novel.

- I DRINK IT.

- I… kinda want to rub it on my boobies.

What do I put it on?

BALSAMIC GOES ON EVERYTHING NO EXCEPTIONS

But here are my favorites:

It makes a great marinade for beef, chicken and lamb. You can incorporate some combination of olive oil, soy sauce, thyme, worcestershire, honey, garlic, and/or rosemary in with the Balsamic and let your meat swim in that shit.

Caprese salad: get yourself some high quality tomatoes, mozzarella, basil, and red onion. Now fucking drown them in Balsamic and some EVOO.

Speaking of cheese, try some little nobules of parmessean or other hard, dry cheese with some Balsamic. You’ll probably jizz yourself.

Ever tried Greek yogurt? No? Well you’re living a lie. My fave brand is Fage (it’s “fa-ye”, not “faggy” like I’ve been saying for years). Bowl of yog, add some honey and some mother fuckin juicy berries, then give that bad boy a nice money shot of Balsamic.

Balsamic for breakfast? Goddamn right: broil some sliced tomatoes, red onion, and some tender fuckin portabello mushrooms in some EVOO and cracked pepper (you use a peppermill, right? RIGHT FUCKO??). Now pile that shit on a plate and top with a poached egg*. NOW DOUSE IT WITH BALSAMIC AS IF IT WAS ON FIRE

I fucking LOVE Balsamic Vinegar.

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*Here’s my method for the perfect poached egg:

- Carefully crack your egg into a ramekin or a little cup or some shit.

- In a saucepan, gently boil water and add 1-2 tablespoons of white vinegar (YEAAHHH MOAR VINEGAR).

- With your slotted spoon, stir the water so that you got a nice little whirl-pool going (this will cool the water slightly).

- Slip the egg into the middle, such that the swirling water keeps the egg white (mostly) intact.

- Keep a gentle boil going, and leave it the fuck alone for 3 minutes and then pull out your undoubtedly pefect poached egg.